rob's reflections

As a chaplain, I do my best to open the conversation with a few questions, in the hope of encouraging someone to talk. I recognize that I bring my own background and style into my conversations. That is a strength and a weakness. 

I am a middle aged, Californian man. I am a Christian, former youth worker. As a result, I tend to be very conversational and very laid back. This helps in some situations, and in others it does not. Some patients prefer the formality that a Catholic priest brings. Some prefer the warmth and comfort that a female voice brings. Some prefer a religious leader from their own tradition or native language. As much as I try, I can’t replicate those things.

A lot of times, I visit a patient, because they asked to talk to me; when I’m not doing that, I just go and visit the people on the floors and see if I can help in any way. The following are some of the conversation openers that I use in situations like this.

I always open by introducing myself and my role. I say, “Hello- I’m Rob and I’m the chaplain.” After that, I immediately say, “I’m just here to check on you.” I say that because SO MANY people freak out when they hear that the chaplain is visiting. They say, “Chaplain?! What, am I dying?! Are you here to bring me bad news?” I want to immediately put them at ease. 

A lot of people that I interact with have no idea what a chaplain is, and often ask. I usually say, “I’m kind of like the priest. If you want to talk about spiritual things, or pray, we can do that; but if you just want to talk, I can do that too.”

Early in the conversation I usually ask, “how are you feeling?” This gives the patient an opportunity to say, “not good;” or “I’m feeling great, actually;” and those responses can lead to new directions in the conversation. 

I usually ask, “so what brings you in?” A lot of people like to joke and say, “an ambulance brought me in!” Haha. This is an opportunity for a patient to tell me what is going on with them medically, whether it is serious or not.

If someone shares that they are dealing with something pretty serious, I ask, “how are you holding up?” This gives the patient an opportunity to talk about their faith, or their family, or how they are coping. A lot of my colleagues ask, “where are you finding hope these days?” That doesn’t feel quite natural for me just yet; but it leads to some amazing conversations. 

I often ask, “do you have any family checking on you?” Whether they do or don’t leads to new areas of conversation. If there is a family member in the room, I say, “you’ve got some family here with you;” that gives the patient an opportunity to introduce them and talk about their relationship with them. I love to say, “we need family when we’re in the hospital!” That always brings a smile to people’s faces, and they always agree.

I try to be observant. Are they reading a book? Are they watching a show? Do they have merch from a team, or a fandom, or a place? I ask about that, and try to make a connection.

If at any point they talk about God, I ask, “do you have a faith background?” Or “do you have a church that you go to?” This just helps me to understand where they are coming from and how to move forward. If they are from a Christian tradition, I offer to pray for them or read them a Bible passage. If not, then I usually say, “I’ll be keeping you in my prayers.” Usually people just say that you. Oftentimes patients will say, “I’ll take all the prayers I can get!” That is my cue to offer to pray for them right there. 

I keep a bunch of dollar store color books, crossword puzzles, word finds and activity books in my office. I usually say, “I have activity books, Bibles, devotionals, would you like me to bring you anything?” This gives me the opportunity to leave them with a gift and a smile and to see them once more before the day is over. 

I really try my best to read the room. If a person is giving me sues that they don’t want to talk, or that they would rather be left alone, I end the conversation pretty fast. 

I saw a reel recently where a speaker used this acronym, F.O.R.M. (as a former youth pastor, I love a good acronym!)

F is for feeling; and leads a caregiver to ask, “what was that like?” “How did that feel to go through that?”

O is for origin and allows a caregiver to ask, “where did that come from?” “What got you get into that?” “Where do you come from?”

R is for reflect and allows a caregiver to follow up on something that the patient said. Maybe a patient will say, “I got into some bad habits;” a caregiver can reflect that statement and ask, “bad habits?” And that is an invitation for the patient to elaborate.

M is for more. That is the reminder to say, “tell me more about that.” Elaborate. Go on. It tells the patient, “I’m interested, and you have my attention.”

As an introvert, I have never been the best conversationalist or small talker; but I’m getting better. What counts most is being present, attentive, interested and empathetic. Everyone can grow in these areas.

God is love.

-rev-rob