rob's reflections

In chaplain class, or Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE), there is a focus on being self-aware. There is an emphasis on having a clear understanding of who you are, where you have come from, what you bring to your role, and what is going on internally. 

Through this process, I learned something new about me- I get a panic inducing anxiety attack whenever I am in a certain unique situation. Unfortunately, this situation is not unique to pastors and chaplains. 

The situation is this: I sometimes find myself in a conversation with someone who is monopolizing my time and attention; to the point where they will not allow me to end the conversation, or even to speak. A person can continue to talk and talk, without any pausing, so that I cannot step in to change the subject or to step out of the conversation. They are creating a situation where they are sharing something so important, so vulnerable, with such speed and intensity, that it would be rude for me to interrupt them; and for a person like me, the last thing that I want to do is to interrupt or to be rude. 

When I am in a situation like this, I feel trapped. I feel claustrophobic, like I can’t breathe. I keep waiting for a pause in the conversation, but these people keep starting new topics or getting more and more emotional. In all of this I feel stuck and I can feel anxiety growing, and I start to panic. 

I can admit that there were a few times as a pastor that during an episode like this that I got so flustered, that I ended the conversation abruptly and got out of the room as fast as I could. While I was in CPE classes and doing my first visits as a chaplain, this happened a few times, and I began to recognize the pattern. 

Just recognizing that this was something that I struggled with helped me to begin to manage this. My CPE class taught me some mindfulness hacks to help me to stay present and not allow my anxiety to grow out of control. I was discovering that when I was in these situations that I could both listen to a patient and silently coach myself saying, “it’s starting to happen. Calm down. This is temporary. You can do this.” I began to be mindful of my space. I would silently recall the patient’s name, the floor that I was on, the room that I was in. I was recalling details that they had shared, and these habits helped me to stay in the moment without feeling overwhelmed. 

Recently I was talking to one of our volunteer chaplains and she told me a hack that she uses with her kids that she calls 54321. She says, “Identify 5 things that you can see. Name them. Identify 4 things that you can hear; name them. Identify 3 things that you can feel; 2 things that you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.”

The other day, I found myself in a conversation with a patient that I have often found myself in: they are feeling paranoid. They are convinced that they are being hunted by the government because of something that they have written; and they were going on about it without giving me any space to butt in, interrupt, or to exit the conversation. While I was listening to them, I mentally identified 5 things I could see, 4 things, I could hear, 3 things I could feel, 2 things I could smell, and 1 thing I could taste; and I made it through the conversation. I didn’t get anxious, I didn’t interrupt, I just stayed present and in the moment. Finally a doctor came and interrupted the patient and I was given a way out of the conversation, even though this person continued to speak loudly to me as I was stepping out the door. 

All of this is to say that because of my CPE training, and the help of my fellow chaplains, I feel like I am managing this anxiety, and other anxieties better than ever. These practices make me a better chaplain, a more focused listener, and ultimately, a more present and healthy person; and for that, I am grateful.

God is love.
-rev-rob