rob's reflections

Early on in my role as a hospital chaplain, I was contacted by a doctor to go and see a patient. This patient had recently been paralyzed and was feeling depressed.

I went in and met with the patient, and they told me about a freak accident that happened while they were running on a trail. They expressed that they were worried that their partner would reject them, and how their life would be different from this year forward.

What do you say in a moment like that? Do you assure them that it will all work out? That their partner will stay with them even though they are paralyzed? This person was not a person of faith, so I couldn’t talk about God’s plan, or even pray for them; so all I did was listen. 

This patient shared their concerns and fears and then they said something that I didn’t expect, they said, “you know, earlier today I was feeling pretty down on myself, but you know, just talking about these things with you makes me feel better.”

In that moment I remembered something that I hadn’t thought about in a long time: it’s healing when someone listens to you talk.

So often, as chaplains, or as spiritual caregivers, we wonder, “what is the right thing to say in this moment, or in this situation?” But maybe the most healing thing that I can do is not to think of an inspiring statement or truth; the most healing thing that I can do is to be present, and to listen while this person talks. 

In the Book of James, James says, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…” Slow down your words and speed up your listening.

In another part of James he writes, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” It is healing to confess what is bothering us; and its healing to have someone listen.

I think about how healing it is to pray, and to speak to God; and how God never interrupts, He just listens. 

Recently my friend and I were talking, and I began to share some of the hurts that I have experienced in recent years. At first I wondered if I was sharing too much, but he invited my transparency; and even though it was painful to bring up past hurts, it was healing to talk about them with a listening, attentive, empathetic presence. 

After that encounter with that patient, I try to remind myself that it is healing for someone to talk while I listen. It’s healing for someone to ask, “how are you holding up?” “Are you doing ok?” “What happened?” I may not be able to prescribe a treatment, or a medicine, but I can listen with my full attention, and that can be healing to a person’s hurting soul. 

My CPE instructor used to say, “less explain, more explore.” In other words, use fewer of your own words, and invite the patient to share more of theirs. 

God is love.
-rev-rob